I started this blog to keep Barbara’s memory and soul alive. I made it a point to focus on her. However without my little elf, this week has been a challenge for me. A few months after she passed I did not want any part of Christmas but as I was writing this blog I remembered how much joy she got from her family and watching the excitement on the little and big kids faces so I felt I needed to carry on her legacy. She had many traditions for the season but the three most important to her were taking Rocco and Enzo on a Christmas outing, decorating the house and Christmas Eve dinner at our house. I knew I would not be able to execute the traditions the way she would have so with help from loved ones I began modifying the traditions.
This year Jenny and AJ stepped up and planed a trip to the Bronx Zoo Christmas light show. I was hesitant to go with out my angel but I felt her pushing me to go. It was sad and wonderful at the same time. As we walked I felt her hand in mine and then I smiled knowing that she would have taken me aside and said “its F in cold and how much longer do we have to walk. She then would say if you say a word I will break your neck.”
Has much as I tried I found it very hard to work on the decorations. I decided to modify the outside to honor her. I used her favorite figures and added a few angels. Doing the outside was my job (with her approval) so it felt right. However the inside was a challenge as that was her domain. So Jen and the boys offered to help. We picked out her favorites and began to decorate. It was a day of very mixed emotions but having Jen, Aj Rocco and Enzo there made it feel right.
Christmas Eve would be the biggest challenge. Christmas was very special to her but I realize now that having the family together for my birthday was her driving force. If you didn’t know my birthday is Christmas Eve. So a couple months ago, as hard as it would be, I told everyone Christmas Eve was a go. Covid screwed that up. So I spoke with my kids and they all agreed to have there own Christmas at Grandmas house. Kevin, Lea, Elsa and Otis came this weekend. It was awesome to see them especially Elsa and Otis. Barbara and I always said the only reason we had kids was to have Grandkids. Watching their excitement opening gifts filled my heart with Joy. There were times when sadness filled my heart that Barbara was not there but I would rub My Angel tattoo and I would feel her all around me. I am looking forward to celebrating the holidays with the rest of my kids and grandkids.
I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas day will be very emotional but with the help and love of my family, friends and a few new traditions we will all get through it. For those of you that our feeling a loss please remember this.
I am profoundly grateful for having loved so deeply that I know now I am better for it. I would do it all over again for the same soul contract because loving Barbara and being loved by her was worth the heartbreak-worth the loss and every tear.