I tried to keep the same traditions you created, and I got a little obsessed with trying to get the perfect gifts for everyone. Then you made me realize it’s not about the food or gifts. It was all about the memories that you created. Thank you so much for helping me see this. You will always be in my heart and my memory..

Well, it’s the second Thanksgiving with you as an angel. This year was a little bit more normal as I learned how to feel your presence more. However, this holiday season has been a bit of a challenge.

So, I come to this Thanksgiving Day in gratitude and thanks for the time we did have together, gratitude for the lessons you taught me, which I carry on each day and for the ability to love so deeply, even if it comes with loss so profound. Thanks for you who loved me, who guided me through life and who challenged and cared for me. 

Over the twenty wonderful years you were in my life you created many family traditions.  The one I fought the most was Thanksgiving night.  We needed to have the house completely decorated for Christmas, inside and out.  It was always a herculean task that kept getting bigger.  Now as I reflect, this was one of the most enjoyable times we had together.  As we were both type A personalities there were a few disagreements and loud discussions.   But on Thanksgiving night when all the lights went on and I saw the joy in your face I realized how special and important this was for you, me and our family.  So, with the help of Jen, Aj, Rocco, Enzo and Ransom, we continue the tradition. Not as involved as she would like. But I know she is smiling that her family continued the tradition.

I will celebrate Thanksgiving as you would have wanted me to with thanksgiving, joy, remembrance, and love.

From the time that she began this ordeal she never once said why me or this sucks.  What she did do was live her life to the fullest. Nothing in our life skipped a beat. In fact, her joy of life and family intensified. She remained extraordinarily strong and independent the entire time. She continued to create glorious memories for us and her family. There were times when I could see that she was tired or struggling. I learned never to ask what is wrong, or can I help I just did. Most times at night I would say you were amazing today she would respond with a smile and a kiss. Sometimes she would say I know.

A few years later the cancer started to be active again. Her Oncologist suggested immunotherapy. We discussed and felt it was the best next step. For the first few months there were no side effects. Then she started getting server skin rashes on her arms and legs. Every night she would apply creams and ointments. She never became self-conscious she just was frustrated. The she started getting diarrhea. At first it was just annoying as she said, but as time went on it became very server and hard to control. Over 6 months she lost 30 pounds and became weaker. So, in true Barbara fashion she took charge.

Every day she would either use her exercise bike, exercise, or use her weights. She was so proud of herself. When I came home from work, she would say excitedly I rode 5 miles today or I rode for 30 minutes and have this look of accomplishment on her face. We would talk a lot at night about what she was going through. She always said it is no big deal I will kick cancers ass. Even during this tough time, she never let it affect who she was. She still was the Mama Bear of the family. Given all the side effects and that her cancer was not responding to the treatment her Oncologist took her of immunotherapy and started her on a cancer drug.

From the time that she began this ordeal she never once said why me or this sucks.  What she did do was live her life to the fullest. Nothing in our life skipped a beat. In fact, her joy of life and family intensified. She remained extraordinarily strong and independent the entire time. She continued to create glorious memories for us and her family. There were times when I could see that she was tired or struggling. I learned never to ask what’s wrong or can I help I just did. Most times at night I would say you were amazing today she would respond with a smile and a kiss. Sometimes she would say I know.

I could not bring myself to tell her that she had cancer. I am not sure why but it was a terrible lapse of judgement. A few weeks after the brace was off we had an appointment with a urologist. They ran a few tests and a nurse came in the exam room and blurted out that Barbara had Kidney Cancer. Barbara was angrier at the nurse for the lack of tact then the fact that she just found out that she had cancer. I told Barbara that I knew and couldn’t find a way to tell her. She said she understood and then said, no big deal I will beat this, my theme song is I Will Survive. We then both held each other so tight and expressed out love for each other. One week later we were back in the hospital to have her left kidney removed. The operation was a complete success and she left the hospital the next morning. Watching the way she dealt with two extremely hard surgeries in a short period of time was an amazing thing to witness. She never once felt sorry for herself. It was like nothing ever happened. She is the strongest most positive person I ever knew. Her strength was unmatched by anyone. The only treatment Barbara ever expressed concern over was Kimmo. When her Oncologist said she would just need radiation a big wait was lifted of her mind. A week later she began her radiation treatment. Almost five years went by and she was so excited that she was 2 months from 5 years without any sign of cancer. Then on the last scans it was back. She was so pissed she thought she had won. So another round of radiation.

Just about 12 years ago Barbara developed a lump on her left shin. I kept telling her to go to a doctor but in typical Barbara fashion she said stop worrying. In a few weeks I finally convinced her to see an Orthopedist. His comments where that she needed to see a specialist so we did. The specialist told us that she needed an operation immediately. I was sick inside but stayed positive if I didn’t I would have gotten the look from her. A few days later she had the lump removed, it was so big that they had to put a plate in her leg. Al and his partner Jim where with me in the hospital. When the doctor came down he said the operation was a success but she had cancer. I never expected to hear those words it was like a knife going through my heart. After the doctor left the three of us spoke and agreed not to say anything to her now so she could concentrate on taking care of herself from the operation.

It all started watching an HGTV show about tuning a surfboard into a bar. We got one on one of our adventures.   After we got home she said we have a patio and a bar let’s use it as a decoration and have a Luau.  I said why, she said why not.  So the Luau extravaganza was born.  It turned out to be a 6 year tradition.  There was any where from 25 to 75 people attending.  Her only requirement was that everyone had to dress Hawaiian.  It was held during rainstorms and insanely hot and humid days.  Of course she put 110% into it and created Hawaiian recipes from appetizers to desert and of course gallons of margaritas.   She began preparing at least a month out.  We ended up with a shed full of just Luau decorations.  The day before the Luau she would begin setting up the patio and organizing the food.  She worked her ass off.  The day of she was up at the crack of dawn getting the food prepared.  It always was one hell of a party. (Thanks to her).  As I look back at all the parties, the memories that stick out in my mind; the passion she put into her food, her trying not to be the center of attention but making sure everyone was having a good time,  continuously reminding me to take pictures of everyone and yelling out BOB!!!.   However the most memorable was the joy in hear heart and soul being with her friends, family and most of all her grandchildren.

One night in the summer of 2010, there was a commercial for Disney World that had discount rooms and a meal plan.  This was right in Barbara’s wheelhouse.  This began a two-month quest to get the best deal she could. She also needed to get an equally great deal for airfare.  I had no doubt that she would accomplish her mission.  We discussed that we always went to Ocean City would Disney replace the tradition this year.  Barbara thought for a minute and then said, “Hell No”. Now she needed to make a plan.  We spoke with Jen and AJ to see if they could take time away from work after thanksgiving.  Barbara also wanted to speak with Karen Worms as she was a Disney expert.  Once the plan was a go, I wanted to say something to Rocco and Enzo, but she made me wait till we got the bracelets from Disney.

The big day finally arrived.  We were up at the crack of dawn and headed to the airport.  It was Rocco’s and Enzo’s first time on an airplane.  Barbara was so excited but still in control.   The boys were excited also but a little nervous.   The flight was a little challenging as the boys were tired and having breakdowns.  When we got on the bus to Disney the breakdowns continued.   We arrived at the hotel and once we got organized Jen and Barbara headed for the liquor store this became a tradition for all our future trips.

Our big mistake was starting early and finishing late.  This was not a plan for a 2 and 4 year old.  It was exhausting and stressful but ensuring the boys had a great experience was the only passion for Barbara.  Each night she was exhausted but by the morning she was the happy go lucky tour director.   The memory that stands out for me is the smile on her face and the joy in hear heart as she watched her boys experience the magic of Disney.

Up until now the three most special dates in Barbara’s life where the day AJ was born, our wedding and AJs and Jens wedding. Then on Easter Sunday 4/16/2006 her whole world changed. We were at Jens house for Easter Dinner. In front of all the place setting where Chinese to go containers. When we sat down Jenny said to open the containers. Inside was a simple note that said “Grandma”. Barbara sat there stunned for a while then she got up crying, laughing, excited and jumping up and down she hugged AJ, Jenny and me. She was going to be a Grandmother to a person not a dog. When we came home that night she was beside herself. She had a smile so big her mouth hurt. We laid in bed just hugging each other and talking about the miracle we both had gotten. Every Easter she would place that Chinese to go container with the note on our foyer table.

Seven months later we got a call from AJ that they were on the way to the hospital. Barbara was beside herself she was full of anticipation. We spent many hours in the waiting room and then AJ came in and said he was born. Barbara cried and hugged AJ, I thought she would break his back. The joy in her eyes and heart was so present when she first saw Rocco it filled the entire hospital. Rocco will always hold a special place in Barbara’s heart as he was the first grandchild. At that moment I saw a strength in Barbara unmatched by anyone. Her life changed forever that day for now she was a grandmother and she became the Mama Bear.

By far the best adventure was to Los Angeles. We took a trip to Hawaii. For the first few days it was the most romantic time we had. Until we decided to go to Mauna Kea Observatory. It is located in the middle of nowhere and I missed judged the gas Capacity of the car. On our way back we didn’t have much gas left and we still had a long way to go on a very deserted road in the dark. To this day I am not sure whether she was madder at me or simply scared, but it was a stressful hour till we found a gas station. Of course, I was saying she was worrying for nothing (that did not go over well). This was my second silent treatment from Barbara. Then we went to Maui.  I became obsessed with sightseeing.  For the first 3 days she was a trooper letting me explore what I needed to explore. Then one morning she woke me up early and said, “You have been in charge however where in Hawaii and I just want to put my ass in the sand”.  She said it with love and she didn’t have to hit me in the back of the head to get her point across. From that moment on it was like a light went off in my soul. We had a glorious time going from beach to beach putting our asses in the sand together.

As I sit here on my first New Year’s Eve without my soul mate I remembered that this was a time when we both discussed and reflected on our lives and discussed setting goals for the coming year.  However this night I am reflecting on how my life has changed with her passing.  

One day while I was sitting in her garden and wishing that she could be there to enjoy the day with me, the answer that I was waiting for came to me: I had placed a solar angel light in her garden that hadn’t worked for 2 months.  As I was talking to hear it came on.  She was not gone; she had just changed.  She was there—in the garden, in the air, in the wind, in the stars, in my heart.  I finally realized that what I was trying to cope with was not a loss but a change.

Barbara believed in spirituality and angels and I realize that just by loving her she taught me that nothing is actually lost in the universe. Everything is energy and energy is never lost. She might not be a part of the material world anymore, she might not be a person in the sense of a human being, but she is a part of the world somehow. I don’t know how, but I know she is.  I know she is still here when I hear her voice telling me how to do something or where to look for something I can’t find.

The biggest change in my life is being mindful and grateful.  I am grateful that Barbara guided me to connect with Tea Cheri my Grief Coach who has helped me reach down into my soul.  I am grateful for the support and love of my family and friends who have helped me realize what is truly important in life.  I am also grateful for all of the stories and messages that where sent to myself, AJ and Jen for they gave me more insight into who Barbara was.   As I read them I realized what is truly important.  That you leave the world in a better place by being in it.

So as we are all with our family tonight Barbara and I want to wish you healthy and save 2021.  We sincerely hope that you honor and love those who are special to you and that you leave the world in a better place by being in it.

Happy New Year!!!

I started this blog to keep Barbara’s memory and soul alive.  I made it a point to focus on her.  However without my little elf, this week has been a challenge for me. A few months after she passed I did not want any part of Christmas but as I was writing this blog I remembered how much joy she got from her family and watching the excitement on the little and big kids faces so I felt I needed to carry on her legacy. She had many traditions for the season but the three most important to her were taking Rocco and Enzo on a Christmas outing, decorating the house and Christmas Eve dinner at our house.  I knew I would not be able to execute the traditions the way she would have so with help from loved ones I began modifying the traditions. 

This year Jenny and AJ stepped up and planed a trip to the Bronx Zoo Christmas light show.  I was hesitant to go with out my angel but I felt her pushing me to go.  It was sad and wonderful at the same time.  As we walked I felt her hand in mine and then I smiled knowing that she would have taken me aside and said “its F in cold and how much longer do we have to walk.  She then would say if you say a word  I will break your neck.” 

Has much as I tried I found it very hard to work on the decorations.  I decided to modify the outside to honor her.  I used her favorite figures and added a few angels.  Doing the outside was my job (with her approval) so it felt right.  However the inside was a challenge as that was her domain.  So Jen and the boys offered to help.  We picked out her favorites and began to decorate.  It was a day of very mixed emotions but having Jen, Aj Rocco and Enzo there made it feel right. 

Christmas Eve would be the biggest challenge.  Christmas was very special to her but I realize now that having the family together for my birthday was her driving force.  If you didn’t know my birthday is Christmas Eve.  So a couple months ago, as hard as it would be, I told everyone Christmas Eve was a go.  Covid screwed that up.  So I spoke with my kids and they all agreed to have there own Christmas at Grandmas house.  Kevin, Lea, Elsa and Otis came this weekend.  It was awesome to see them especially Elsa and Otis.  Barbara and I always said the only reason we had kids was to have Grandkids. Watching their excitement opening gifts filled my heart with Joy.  There were times when sadness filled my heart that Barbara was not there but I would rub My Angel tattoo and I would feel her all around me. I am looking forward to celebrating the holidays with the rest of my kids and grandkids.

I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas day will be very emotional but with the help and love of my family, friends and a few new traditions we will all get through it.   For those of you that our feeling a loss please remember this. 

I am profoundly grateful for having loved so deeply that I know now I am better for it. I would do it all over again for the same soul contract because loving Barbara and being loved by her was worth the heartbreak-worth the loss and every tear.

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Barbara’s favorite place to go in the whole world was Ocean City Maryland. We went every year together for one week on our anniversary. It was her magical place. It was a place where she could just relax and not plan anything. She would just lay on the beach, go shopping, sunbathe, drink Margaritas and eat. It was a place and time for just us. We did this for 5 years. I don’t know whether she was getting bored or just missed Rocco and Enzo but every year after we always went the Aj, Jen and the boys. The dynamics changed, it required more planning and effort. But Barbara thrived on it for her only goal now was that Rocco and Enzo could make memorable moments with her.

We had many exciting adventures. Toronto, Nashville, Memphis, Miami, Atlanta, Las Vegas, San Diego, Chicago, Los Angeles and San Francisco. The two that stand out for me are Toronto and Los Angeles. Toronto was the most challenging for Barbara. It was the first time she had to fly by herself. She called me when she got on the plane and said she had her Vodka, Valium and her Angels she would be fine. The plane left the gate on time but stayed on the runway for 1 1/2 hours. I felt bad for Barbara but more for the stewardess. She checked the status of the flight on her phone and it said the flight had taken off on time. She then called me to let me know what was going on. I heard the stewardess say, “Mam you cannot use your phone”. That was the last thing she said to Barbara because she gave her
both barrels. When she finally arrived in Toronto there was a baggage handlers strike, and it took us two hours to get her bags. She was physically and mentally exhausted. Knowing Barbara, I didn’t try to make it better we just hugged and kissed. The next morning, she still got up early and for the rest of our tome in Toronto it was like it never happened. She just wanted to be together and have a good time.

By far the best adventure was to Los Angeles. We took a trip to Hawaii. For the first few days it was the most romantic time we had. Until we decided to go to Mauna Kea Observatory. It is located in the middle of nowhere and I missed judged the gas Capacity of the car. On our way back we didn’t have
much gas left and we still had a long way to go on a very deserted road in the dark. To this day I am not sure whether she was madder at me or simply scared, but it was a stressful hour till we found a gas station. Of course, I was saying she was worrying for nothing (that did not go over well). This was my first silent treatment from Barbara. Then we went to Maui. I became obsessed with sightseeing. For the first 3 days she was a trooper letting me explore what I needed to explore. Then one morning she
woke me up early and said, “You have been in charge however where in Hawaii and I just want to put my ass in the sand”. She said it with love and she didn’t have to hit me in the back of the head to get her point across. From that moment on it was like a light went off in my soul. We had a glorious time going from beach to beach putting our asses in the sand together.

Jenny’s parents where not very proactive in her life. That angered Barbara but instead of making the situation worse she stepped up with love. She would share her frustration with me so that she could be a “Mom” to Jenny. Their wedding was spectacular. The joy and love I saw in Barbara were similar to the joy at our wedding. Barbara, AJ and Jenny are very spiritual. I knew Barbara strongly believed in angels. As the evening went on the three of them shared that they felt Johnny in the room. I felt a little threatened and left out. I never said anything to Barbara because I knew she loved me, and I did not want to disrespect her. As the years went by I learned how strong Barbara’s spirituality was. AJ was her pride and joy and that Johnny was his dad. They both needed him to be there and he was.
At that time, my job required me to go on business trips. Barbara and I could not be apart from each other for too long. So, we decided to have her meet me the day before the meeting ended and we would take a mini vacation a few times a year. When we flew together I noticed as we were getting ready to take off she would always close her eyes and get quiet. I asked her why and she said she was praying to her angels. After we took off she got a glass of cranberry juice, added some vodka that she smuggled on the plane and took a half of a Valium. After a few trips, the vodka routine ,she still spoke to her angels and we just held hands tightly. Combined with her spirituality, common sense, devotion to family, honesty and tough love made her a force to reckon with. Barbara was as far from corporate as you can get, with her strong personality and common sense. However, because of her love and respect for me she controlled her instincts. She always let me be the big shot and would only comment on things when we were in private. Those conversations where hard for me to hear but she only wanted me to look professional and be the best I could be. Sometimes we would argue, and I would say something stupid. She always said, “Your mouth works before your brain does”. And it did. But she ALWAYS forgave me with love.

Over the years there were countless number of awesome adventures. I know that we did everything as a couple, but Barbara was the driving force. All holidays where special to her. No matter how big or small she always approached them with the Barbara Flare. Her favorite holiday was Christmas. Just after we moved into our new home we were shopping at Lowes around October. She purchased something but would not show me till we got outside. It was an animated set of three angels singing
silent night. I said you are Jewish. She replied so what their angels and its Christmas. Little did I know this was the beginning of a miraculous adventure. Over the years we acquired and attic and a shed loaded with Christmas decorations that had to be up and ready to go by Thanksgiving. It would take 3 full days to complete inside and out. She began her Christmas gift shopping for the next year the day after Christmas. By the time we were done there where over 8 Tupperware’s in the attic with gifts for the entire family. Christmas Eve was always at our house. She began shopping for food in November. And we started preparing 3 days before. Dinner became a tradition; Salad and stuffed clams, then go downstairs to celebrate my birthday, her awesome Lasagna, then go down stairs for Santa to come and
have a nerf gun war, crown roast of pork and a prime rib accompanied by her own string bean casserole and noodle pudding, then go down to open gifts and let’s not forget my birthday cake and desert. When we were opening our gifts Barbara never opened hers right away she spent the entire time focusing on her kids and grandkids watching their reactions with the biggest smile on her face. It gave her such pleasure. The expression “it is better to give than receive” fit her perfectly. By the time everyone left
and we cleaned up it was late and she was exhausted. However we always sat together having a cup of coffee and just reliving the day. I would always say it was the best Christmas ever (because it was) and she would smile. Providing for her family, hearing from everyone how awesome the food was and watching the excitement on the little and big kids faces gave her such joy. That night more than any night of the year you truly saw that her family was her everything. The next morning we would give each other our gifts. She always counted we had to be even. We then went to Jenney’s for brunch and exchange gifts with them. Barbara was so excited because that’s when she gave out the big gifts. Again her joyous moments was watching everyone else open their gifts. The only stress she had was that if Rocco’s or Enzo’s gifts had a problem.

The big day finally arrived. Barbara was up early, as usual. She went out to get her hair and nails done. She wouldn’t let me see her until she was all done. When she came out of the bedroom she was the most beautiful and radiant person I had ever seen. Another of Barbara’s traits was never to be late and I’m not the promptest person. She was anxious to leave and kept pushing me. I felt we left in plenty of time but there was a big storm earlier and a tree was blocking the road. She gave me the look. We did arrive on time. Barbara immediately took charge of everything. I tried to calm her but to no avail. Looking back at that moment I realize that she just wanted for the day to be perfect and it was. We wrote are own vows and when each of us read them the other started to tear up. For we both new that we were marrying our soul mates. After the service we went to the reception. We only had immediate family and close friends. Barbara only wanted the special people in our lives. I also believe that she was concerned about how much money we were spending. When we walked in the room Barbara looked and me and said, “This is the best day of my life”. As the party went on I watched Barbara dance with Roy, Frank and Al it was amazing site to see. She glided over the floor like and Angel. When she came back to the table after dancing with AJ she had tears in her eyes. She was the bell of the ball. From the time I met Barbara. knew that she was an extraordinarily strong woman but at our wedding her love of family and joy of life really came to the service. I remember telling her that I was the luckiest man a life. She gave me a big hug and a kiss and said, “Your dam right!” Now our life as husband and wife begins. And it was one hell of a life. We are both extremely passionate and type A people. But somehow in our own way we were able to balance most everything.

Barbara didn’t want to get married again but I really wanted her to be my wife so when I got a bonus check from work I bought an engagement ring. As we were both big Yankee fans my plan was to take a tour of Yankee Stadium and propose on the pitcher’s mound. However 2 days before opening day I got tickets for opening day April 5, 2002. My plans changed and I was going to ask her after the seventh inning stretch. We got to the game and it was very cold, and Barbara wanted to leave. I said I really wanted to stay so we went to the Yankee Store and bought a jacket, gloves and a hat. If she knew how much I spent she would have killed me. But I needed to do what I needed to do. When I got down on my knee to propose Barbara said, “What did you drop now!” I continued with my plan.  She took a while to respond, and I got really nervous. But then she said YES. She called her son and all her friends. She had such a beautiful smile and was so excited I almost cried. A side note: Later that day she shared with me that she thought I was trying to hide the bonus money from her. Lying was the trait that Barbara despised the most. The engagement almost ended before it began. Se did not know where I was taking her for dinner. I said jeans where OK. When we pulled up to Tavern on the Green she was furious. It took a while for me to convince her to go in. I kept looking for someone else in jeans. I said look there someone else in jeans. It was a toddler in Oshkosh B’gosh Overalls. She kind of smiled. We had an amazing dinner.

One of the first trips we took together was a Caribbean Cruise. We bought two hook bracelets on one of the islands. She said, “Lets never take them off they will symbolize our love for each other”. We never did take them off. I never will and I placed hers in her angel box in her memorial garden. Two things come to mind about this cruise. On the 3^rd night there was a Chocolate Buffet at mid night. She was so excited that’s all she could talk about. I never realized her passion for chocolate but at that moment I knew I would be safe giving her Dark Chocolate at every special occasion. Finally, the night came it was like Christmas Morning for her. We must have stayed there for 2 hours. The next morning, we were pulling into a port at 5 AM!!!! She was so excited she woke me up to see. I reluctantly got up and went with her but as I watched her excitement I realized that she was truly a person who just needed the simple things in her life to give her pleasure. On the fourth day of the cruise we stopped at an island. I suggested that we rent a Kayak. She looked at me as if I had two heads. I convinced her that we were in a bay in the Caribbean and it would be flat and safe. She finally agreed and we joined a group. It started off OK but then the water got real rough and the guide said that there where sharks in the water.  I could feel her anger all the way at the back of the kayak. She stuck it out but when we got to shore she wasn’t angry (to my surprise) but she broke my chops for years after.

Barbara semi moved in with me and our souls got closer. By semi I mean I bought her a plastic 3 draw cabinet for her things. She was amazing, to her it was like I bought her and Ethan Allen Dresser. My birthday is the day before Christmas and my kids would always take me out to dinner the week before. Barbara asked why they didn’t come on my birthday or Christmas Day. I explained that their mom’s family always had a tradition of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. She felt that this was not right and that they should respect me more. She took my sons aside and in Barbara’s way in no uncertain terms told them that if they did not call me on my birthday and show up Christmas morning that there would be hell to pay. They all called me on my birthday and on Christmas morning there was a knock on the door and their where my kids in pajamas.
My apartment was small, so we decided to get our own place. When she told AJ and Jen we were moving in together, they said when do we have to move out. Barbara looked at them and very excitedly she said you’re not moving out I am! We looked at a Town House in Haverstraw and we were seriously thinking about it. That night Barbara woke up in the middle of the night and screamed $150,000 dollars for a place that they will tell us what we can and can’t do! F that. So, the search continued. We saw an open house sign and went in. We both fell in love with hit and called her real estate friend Frank and we put in an offer. We did not get it. However, 2 weeks later we got a call and the house was ours. Within a month we were in the house painting, repairing and organizing. A UPS driver came in and said you know I have the same house and we took this wall down and it made the house more open. I looked a Barbara and she gave me the look I then looked at my son and he smiled so we knocked the wall down and all the lose insulation fell thru the ceiling it looked like a blizzard. My first Barbara silent treatment (it was stressful) but after a few hours she came around.

I never new what to do. It was her secret weapon